“Teen Wolf” 3.11: Deaton Ex Machina

Previously on Teen Wolf, Ms. Jennifer Blake, literature professor and resident Beacon Hills mistletoe expert, killed a bunch of randoms in groups of three to steal their collective powers, which: fine. Whatever. Moonmouth, etc. But then she kidnapped Melissa McCall and Sheriff Stilinski and tied them up in a druid tree basement and now we hates her, Precious! Stiles had an existential meltdown because his beautiful supergenius brain was tapped out of ways to save the city, a crisis made infinitely worse by the fact that Scott decided to join up with Deucalion when Stiles couldn’t formulate a Plan B. Cora Hale died and died and died and came back to life and life and life, a couple of times because of unexplained voodoo and one time because of Stiles’ magic mouth.

If a psychotic Celtic emissary absconds with your father and a pack of rabid alpha werewolves vamooses with your best friend, one thing you are always going to consider doing to calm yourself down is: making out with and/or punching Derek Hale in the face. Because you just know this is all his fault. Stiles finds himself in just such a conundrum in the wreckage of McCall General Hospital, where that super-storm has miraculously disappeared but also has left the hospital in shambles. Derek regains consciousness before Stiles is able to wallop him, and off they go to save the day in their various sexy ways.

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Derek and Peter take Cora back to their loft where she just keeps on dying and puking up black goop. Derek thinks he feels as shitty as possible, and then Isaac shows up and shouts at him for spending all his days and nights making wounded werewolf love to a ritualistic killer while Boyd and Erica and Cora were getting the life beaten out of them and Isaac was roaming the streets in a wet t-shirt trying to summon up the courage to ask Scott to share his bed/pajamas. After Isaac clomps off in a semi-British huff, Derek decides he will do anything in the world to save Cora’s life.

“Funny you should say that,” croons Peter Hale, who is sitting in the shadows on the staircase ordering plunging neckline t-shirts in bulk from J. Crew.

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Peter pulls a package of Reese’s from his pocket and explains the way for Derek to save Cora’s life is either to regurgitate food into her mouth and aggressively groom her, or engage in a familial energy exchange that will zap away Derek’s alpha powers but spark black goop healing in Cora. “When have any of my awesome plans ever caused you heartache?” Peter asks, chomping down on a peanut butter cup. Derek hems and haws and broods and glowers and paces and flops around on the ground and decides yes, he will give up his alpha powers to save his sister.

On the one hand, this plays like some more of Peter’s Machiavellian antics. But on the other hand, the full moon (and that darn power-sapping lunar eclipse!) is only two days away and Kali has promised to kill Derek if he doesn’t join the alpha pack, but Derek can’t really join the alpha pack if he’s not an alpha anymore, so maybe this will save him? (On the third hand, maybe Kali’s threat still stands even if Derek relinquishes his powers and so then it will be even easier for her to crush his skull with her feets if he’s not an alpha anymore?) (Oh, if only there was a magical veterinarian in this town who could pull plans and information out of his own bunghole at his leisure just in time to save the day every day!)

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