“Teen Wolf”: Cuddle Puppies

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Previously on Teen Wolf, Stiles tried to have sex with a lady virgin, but before they could consummate their union, she got murdered to death. Stiles’ mind jumped to “human sacrifices/serial killer” because I guess he doesn’t know a group of people who have the power to raise enough money to hire a hitman to kill all the womens who would deflower him. Scott and Isaac and Derek ran through the forest for a hundred hours in an attempt to keep Boyd and Cora from eating up all of Beacon Hills in a super-moon rage. Stiles opened up a detective agency dedicated to solving crimes committed against the un-sexed. And Allison finally, finally, finally began to embrace the assassin life that made her mother so crazy/f-ing amazing.

We open on Dr. Deaton’s Home for Wounded Puppies and Half-Clothed Ice Baths. Despite the fact that all of the cats and dogs in his care committed suicide a couple of weeks ago, Dr. Deaton‘s veterinary practice is still thriving. He performs a midnight check up on a little guy named Bullet, and if seeing a real live dog on this show scares you out of your wits, let me put your mind at ease: Bullet lives. But his dad, Kyle, dies immediately. Partly because the Beacon Hills serial killer is on the loose and partly because Kyle is dumb enough to crawl his ass underneath a dumpster in an abandoned alleyway in the middle of the night. He gets bitten and snatched and Bullet runs back to Deaton’s to cuddle up with Scott.

Ms. Blake lives in the high school, in case you were wondering. That’s the only way to explain why she’s grading papers and loitering in the boiler room in the dead of night and click-clacking through the halls in her TV teacher pumps before the break of dawn. Derek is waiting for her in her classroom, just to check on her, to see if she’s feeling OK, to see if getting trapped in a basement with a couple of pissy teenage werewolves maybe messed up her head a little bit. Ms. Blake tells him not to worry about it, that she was batshit crazy way before that incident, according to her therapist. Anyway, her main worry right now is that she has to teach The Crucible and she doesn’t have a lesson plan. Derek goes, “Oh, yeah, I love that one. I will bring a pointy reckoning that will shudder you!

Ms. Blake’s eyeballs nearly pop right out of her head. Derek excuses himself and she falls against her classroom door like she’s got the vapors, hand on her chest, trying to catch her breath, immediate daydreams of Derek Hale’s pointy reckoning.

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In the locker room (hey, locker room! hey!), Stiles is fully undone about Kyle’s disappearance. He shivers and convulses and flails his arms around and asks Scott if the guy exhibited any signs of virginism because he himself is a virgin and virgins are getting garrotted all around town right now and his only chance of survival is to get sexed, to get sexed immediately, OK, someone needs to do all the sexes to him and they need to do it right goddamn now. Stiles slams his locker to punctuate his point and Danny is there, just a-grinning. He goes, “I’ll do it. Come to my house at 9:00. Plan to stay the night. I like to cuddle.” Like, those are his true exact words, the ones that were written into the script by a professional TV writer and spoken aloud by a professional TV actor on the network of MTV. Stiles is moved by Danny’s offer and also finally glad to have the confirmation that he is, in fact, attractive to gay guys. His face gets so sad when Danny tells him he’s only joking.

By the way, it’s not lacrosse season anymore. It’s cross country season. Coach Finstock is making the whole team participate because they’re getting so fat.

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As the team lines up to start their morning run, the Wonder Twins flank Isaac and he realizes that they’re the same guys who fused themselves together to create MegaWolf back in the season premiere. Scott, whose senses haven’t been so attuned to another person’s heart since he was enjoying regular pointy reckonings with Allison, reaches out to Isaac: “Forgive the intrusion. It’s just, I can tell you’ve got a lot of feelings right now.” Isaac goes, “Those twins tried to kill me and now I’m going to kill them right back!” The twins run real fast and Isaac runs real fast after them and they run and he runs and it’s just run run run, until they collide in the woods, all slow-mo acrobatics and dubstep. One of the twins (sorry, I can only tell them apart when Danny is canoodling with one of them) offers to break Isaac’s face, but Scott shows up and breaks the twin’s face instead.

Their brawl is stopped short when they see kidnapped Kyle all bloodied and gross and tied to a tree with his dog’s leash. The students mill around and chat and eat some snacks and wait for the police to show up, and when they do, Stiles walks right on up to the corpse and makes his human sacrifice theories known to his father.

Sheriff Stilinski doesn’t believe him, and neither do Scott and Isaac. Isaac thinks the murders are for sure the Wonder Twins’ doing and Scott is inclined to agree because that’s the last thing he heard anyone say and Scott’s brain can only hold one thought at a time. Stiles goes, “Oh, you find it hard to believe that human sacrifices are real? ‘Cause your eyeballs glow like little sunshines and you have fangs and wolf-face hair that comes and goes all willy-nilly, and I could stab you in the gut right now with this shiv I’ve got in my sock due to my need to protect my virginal life, and you’d heal up in a second!” Scott concedes Stiles’ point, as it is the most recent point that has been presented to him.

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Hale Tower. Cora is carrying on the family tradition of doing half-clothed pull-ups and pushups to deal with life’s anxieties. She tries to get Derek to spar with her, but he says she’s still too weak from last week’s shenanigans, and also probably from returning from the grave and everything. Resurrection is exhausting. Their little family squabble is interrupted by those Alpha Pack dillholes, Kali and Ennis. Everyone beats the shit out of everyone else for a minute, and then Kali rips down a pipe from the ceiling and just goes ahead and impales Derek on it. Deucalion (lol, “Duke”) waltzes in and re-introduces himself to the Hales. He says Derek looks just like his mother.

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