“Teen Wolf” 3.09: The Girl Who Kicked The Druid’s Nest

Previously on Teen Wolf, Derek Hale had the worst life you have ever heard of. The first girl he ever loved, he murdered her. The second girl he ever loved, she burned down his house with his whole family inside and then chained him up to a lightning rod in her basement. He got so messed up about love that he thought it was a totally regular thing when a local schoolteacher wanted to shag him silly while black goop was oozing out of all the claw gashes all over his body. Scott was revealed as the werewolf messiah. Peter Hale was revealed as a lover of Reese’s Peanut Butter cups. Grandpa Argent was revealed as just super allergic to mountain ash. And Alpha Pack Ethan forgot to be bloodthirsty for a second because his heart was so hungry for Danny.

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A sheriff’s deputy is patrolling the halls of Beacon Hills High at the witching hour while students frolic to and fro, banging on their timpanis and tooting on their trombones, just practicing for a charity concert at 2:00 am like you sometimes do when you’re in the high school orchestra. The deputy stops one gaggle of students because they are shining real bright in the dark hallway because Danny is walking among them, his smile lighting their way in the night. She tells them to go on home because murder is afoot, and they all laugh because murder is always afoot in this school. Sometimes a girl gets ripped to pieces by a pack of wild hyenas in the cafeteria. Sometimes a teacher gets kidnapped and garrotted out on the cross country trail. What are you going to do?

Danny goes, “We’re probably OK because I am here and I am what you call a ‘fan favorite.’ But you are both black and nameless, and I’ve been on this show long enough to know you probably want to get out of here.”

The deputy finally finds the dead body and the dead body is her and then she’s dead. The killer is the Dark Druid, the Darach. It finally reveals its face for the first time and if you ever wondered what would happen if Voldemort and Bloody Face had a baby whose head one time got too close to an open flame, well, now you know.

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Lydia has, of course, found herself at the spot of another murder, but instead of scouting out the crime scene her own this time, she calls for backup. Scott wobbles up on his dirt bike and Stiles zips up in his jeep, talking about, “Where’s the dead guy?” Lydia says she’s tired of having to find the dead bodies all by herself and that Stiles can take a turn, thank you very much. “You find it!” she says. “No, you find it!” he says. “You,” says Lydia. “No, you,” says Stiles. It is Scott who interrupts their foreplay to tell them he found the body by using his eyeballs and looking straight ahead.

The dead deputy is splayed across the school marquee. Which, honestly, is what they should do to all the Beacon Hills city limit signs. Just: “Welcome to [DEAD BODY].”

Five hours later, everyone is in literature class, talking about simile and metaphor and idioms. Ms. Blake says the only way you can tell if an idiom is an idiom is if you have a framework for the culture of the language you’re speaking: “For example, if you’re a very literal-minded person and I say I have an axe to grind, you might think I have an actual axe that needs sharpening, when really what the idiom means is that I have an ulterior motive. Though, in my case, both things are true, and that’s what you call foreshadowing.” Stiles and Scott can’t pay attention because they’re trying to figure out a way to isolate Ethan from Aiden so they can question him about the Alpha pack’s Druid emissary. Stiles goes, “Do you ever hear these words coming out of our mouth and think about how we sound like the Mad Hatter?”

Aiden is all up in Ethan’s nut about how he needs to stay away from Danny now that they know he’s not part of Scott’s Scooby gang.

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Ethan: He’s harmless, dude. Actually, he’s downright cuddly, if you want to know the truth.
Aiden: He’s not important to the plan anymore.
Ethan: Well, maybe he’s important to my plan.
Aiden: Well, maybe that’s the gayest thing I’ve ever heard.
Ethan: Leave me alone, brother! I do what I want, and what I want to do is Danny!
Aiden: Too bad! We’re not real high school students and Deucalion doesn’t want us to be happy and I’m going to follow you around everywhere forever so you can’t do anymore canoodling with a teenage human!
Lydia: Let’s make sex, Aiden.
Aiden: OK BYE ETHAN.

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