Previously on Teen Wolf, Scott and Stiles and Allison suffered some severe hallucinatory ramifications for letting Dr. Deaton drown them in ice baths in the summer finale. Stiles stopped knowing how to read, Scott stopped knowing how to control his transformation, and Allison stopped being able to protect herself with her arsenal of deadly weapons. Basically, they became their own Boggarts in a never-ending dream inception that got even worse when they remembered they’d opened up the Beacon Hills Hellmouth even wider than usual. Scott met a supernaturally beautiful teenage human named Kira and a supernaturally terrifying were-coyote named Malia. And, of course, Derek and Peter found themselves shirtlessly chained up in the Argents’ old torture dungeon.
I’ve never been more disappointed in my life than when the opening of this week’s episode revealed that Derek and Peter’s torturers are that long-rumored group of Latin American beast hunters and not the fully reincarnated form of Kate Argent. I knew it wasn’t actually going to be her, but O’Briendammit, I really wanted it! Alas, the new beast hunters take turns menacing Derek and Peter, who aren’t willing to give up any info about the “she-wolf” these guys are jonesing to track down. One of the thugs threatens to saw Derek in half, and the matriarch of the group goes ahead and chops off one of Peter’s fingers to soothe her stress. Ladies be crazy, am I right, Jeff Davis?
Scott and Stiles are still rootin’ around in that werecoyote’s den and even though they find plenty of Malia’s old trinkets that Scott could use to sniff her out, he’s feeling a little squirrely about transforming into the One True Alpha right now because he doesn’t really want to get stuck that way. So they give Sheriff Stilinski a ring and explain the situation to him: That first ever car crash he worked after he became sheriff, well, see, coyotes didn’t really gnaw up the bones of the victims like he originally thought. The girl inside the car morphed into a werecoyote and caused the accident and now she’s holed up in these woods with her old baby blanket, trapped in her beastly form, feeling guilty as all hell.
Sheriff Stilinski is annoyed but half-believes them. Scott’s dad, FBI Special Agent McTwat, shows up and does not. Because they don’t tell him the truth. Because he is s a twat. Also, he brought along Malia’s dad who, quite rightly, flips the eff out when he sees his dead kid’s stuff inside that coyote hidey-hole.
Beacon Hills High School for Gifted Half-Monsters. Kira isn’t really sure she did an adequate job explaining the concept of Bardo to Scott and his buddies, so she did a couple of hours of research last night and printed out her findings and brought it to Scott for him to pursue at his leisure. Oh, rats! She left it at home! Wait, no she didn’t. Her dad walks up and hands it to her and goes, “Here’s all that research you did for that boy you like.” She is somehow even more gorgeous when she’s mortified? I don’t understand this girl’s deal. Who gets to be born just looking like that? Dylan O’Brien feels her, I guess. Both of their faces are sin. Anyway, Scott is smitten. Probably later in the season he’ll have to murder her beneath a magic mushroom during a harvest moon to save the town or something. But for now he’s smitten.
Mr. Yukimura kicks off class by asking Stiles to come up front and read some stuff aloud and it goes over about as well as you’d expect. He watches the letters from the words jumble themselves up and fall right off the page and of course he almost pukes and passes out because he’s such a Hermione. Scott rushes to the front of the class and scoops Stiles up in his arms and carries him off to the restroom to ease him out of his panic attack. Sadly, he does not do it the way Lydia did with her mouth smashed up against his mouth. They just do some counting exercises. It’s still pretty sweet. Also sweet: Kira spies Stiles’ and Scott’s backpacks after class, so she tries to return them — but is of course attacked by the werecoyote, who’s just roaming around the high school halls now. It’s weird. That coyote is so beautiful I make an “awww!” sound every time it’s on-screen, but then it bares it’s angry fangs and I feel so betrayed.
The werecoyote chases Malia into the locker room where the show misses a real opportunity to have Danny just standing around changing clothes. Scott rushes in and saves her by knocking over some lockers with his bare knuckles. What in the world was the werecoyote doing at school anyway? Oh, just chasing down a terrifying doll that Stiles nicked from its den. Teen Wolf has shown us a lot of creepy-ass business over the years, but nothing as bone-chilling as the face of a withered doll peeping out through a zipper. You know the doll is Malia’s and you know her dad is going to show up any seco—yep, there he is. He starts screaming about, “Why do you have my dead kid’s horrible doll?!” And Sheriff Stilinski starts screaming back about, “Oh my god, you can’t just sit around listening to your scanner all day waiting to hear about coyote attacks!!!”
You know in Beacon Hills they have their own set of scanner codes for that shit. 10-34: Centaur mauling. 10-51: Manticore spotted on church property. 10-19: Wood nymphs infestation. 10-99: Public unicorn intoxication.
Down in the Argents’ deep, dark dungeon, a lady-ninja shows up to rescue Derek and Peter. She is Braeden, the lady-ninja who saved Isaac in the season three premiere and rode away with him on her motorcycle. Guess who hired her? Deucalion, that’s who. How you know is that she goes, “I was sent here by THE DEMON WOOOOLFFF.” Which is how he sends in assassins and also signs his candygrams.