“Teen Wolf” 3.17: Rise of the Dark Puppy

Previously on Teen Wolf, Danny and Ethan and Aidan threw a Halloween rave at Derek Hale‘s Home for Wayward Werepups that was busted up by some Death Eaters, growling and tattooing every supernatural person behind the ear. Allison spent the whole time trying to get Isaac to stop talking about Scott and grope her. Scott spent the whole time trying to unravel the glowing mystery of Kira (not a euphemism). Lydia spent the whole time being just super unimpressed. And Stiles split his time between deciding if he’s bisexual and deciding if he ordered the execution of Scott’s new girlfriend.

Meet the young Chris ArgentTeen Wolf Recap 317

Chris Argent was somehow even hotter when he was a teenage werewolf hunter. I’m not even kidding. He’s every inch a full ten right now, as a grown man, but when he was in college, dating crazy Victoria with those eyeballs and doing Gerard’s bidding (“intercept that shipment of MOUNTAIN ASSSSHH!”), he looked like some kind of mythological god. Back then, when he was defying nature with his face even more than he is right now, he did some arms dealing in Japan, which is where he first encountered the Death Eaters. They killed all the guys he was trying to sell WMDs to, except for one: Katashi Silverfinger. Chris saved his life. It was all very bloody.

Katashi Silverfinger is hanging out in Beacon Hills these days (apparently and of course), so that’s where Chris was on Halloween night, tracking him and looking for answers. Unfortunately, when a shady group of demon ninjas whose faces are made of literal darkness try to murder you in your youth, you get a little squirrelly about taking meetings with any old Joe, so Katashi Silverfinger wouldn’t take Chris’ calls. So Chris decides to recruit Allion and Isaac to help him meet up with the guy and sell him some weapons… because that worked out so well for him last time.

Kira returns home after a night of being hunted like a wild beast by glowy-eyed satans and boy is she ever blissed out. The reason why is that Scott drove her home on the back of his motorbike and let her touch his fully transformed werewolf face. The music wants you to believe this is the first time such a kindness has been bestowed upon young master Scott, but we’ve see both Allison and Stiles caress his lupine noggin in the waning sunlight loads of times. But Kira feels real happy about it. Finally, she can date someone who also belongs in a bestiary.

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On the way to school, Aidan and Ethan cuddle up Scott in a motorcycle sandwich and tell tell him that they plan to do it, quote, all day and all night. He needs some space from their identical, overbearing embrace. For one thing, he’s pretty sure the Death Eaters are after Kira and not him, and he doesn’t want to blow her cover. And for another, he needs to explain things to Stiles without their jealous eyeballs following his every move. He calls himself “The True Alpha,” a phrase that never stops delighting me when spoken aloud, and tells them not to eavesdrop on him.

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Aaaaaand it’s a good thing because Stiles is a mess this morning. He drags Scott into the chemistry classroom to show him his handwriting on the blackboard calling for a hit on Kira. But it’s not there anymore. So he drags him over to the supply closet to show him he has a key to the room where Barrow got the chemicals to make his bomb. But he doesn’t have that key anymore. OK, OK, fine, but the bomb was made of bolts and nuts and screws, right, and that’s exactly what Stiles and Scott used in the birthday fun-bomb they made for Coach Finstock. Stiles keeps saying “phosphors, phosphors” and twitching, so Scott puts a hand on his shoulder and goes, “Dude, listen. You’re my super-smart human sidekick with an angelic face and a blossoming curiosity about the same sex. When has a person like you ever turned evil?” When indeed.

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Not attending school today are Isaac and Allison, both of whom have accompanied Chris to Silverfinger’s lair to sell him an antique pistol — but only as a ruse! Chris really just wants Isaac to entertain Silverfinger so he and Alison can sneak inside and get him to do an infodump about Japanese monster mythology! Isaac is very nervous, firstly because he doesn’t feel comfortable in the suit Chris is making him wear and secondly because his main mode of distraction is usually just, like, “This is my face. Stare at it as long as you want.” Alison gives him a boner to help him concentrate on their plan, which seems a little counter-intuitive to me. For real, she kisses him and guides his hand into groping her ass and then she’s like, “How do you feel now?” And he’s like, “I’ve got a raging erection! Let’s do this!”

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Stiles goes to the hospital to see a doctor, but there are none. Never have been any. Never gonna be any. The hospital has one employee and it is Melissa McCall. She checks in Stiles, takes some notes on his symptoms — “insomnia, blackouts, hallucinations, panic attacks, inability to read, occasional first degree murder attempts” — then shoots him up with NyQuil to help him get some rest. The saddest thing you have ever heard is Stiles saying, “Thanks, Mom” when she pulls the covers up around his chin.

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