I understand it’s an important find and all, but you’ve gotta admit this “gay caveman” story that made the news last week is also pretty hilarious. A gay caveman? That’s a stand-up comedy routine, not an archaeological discovery!
AfterElton.com already took on the problems with how the media reported the story, plus we also provided our own proof that us ‘mos have always been around – even during the Stone Age.
Nevertheless, since the word “caveman” somehow never fails to bring to my mind the image of a hot Abercrombie & Fitch model posing in a loincloth, the story inevitably got me to thinking of the dozens of Hollywood-ized interpretations of early humans that moviegoers have been treated to over the past several decades.
True, the majority of these interpretations aren’t exactly, shall we say, accurate (to my knowledge, they didn’t actually have laser-whitening capabilities back in 40,000 BC), but who really gives a rip when they look this smoking hot? To commemorate Tinseltown’s overwhelming tendency to render cavemen as essentially dirtied-up supermodels, below I’ve listed (in chronological order, of course) ten of the all-time yummiest examples for your drooling pleasure.
One Million B.C. (1940)
Early heartthrob Victor Mature – cast as pin-up girl Carol Landis’ love interest in this hit Hal Roach-directed prehistoric film – was the epitome of the “tall, dark, and handsome” archetype in the 1940s, though his looks are obviously quite a departure from today’s brand of freshly-scrubbed young stars (he’s almost a dead ringer for Sex & The City actor Chris Noth).
As opposed to today’s actors, who often look to have spent about nine hours in the gym daily to beef up for roles requiring them to appear shirtless, Mature’s build is more long and lean than beefcake. If you find yourself regularly pining for the movie stars of yesteryear over the manufactured pretty boys of today, Mature in a chest-exposing bearskin outfit is probably the ticket for you. Also, those eyebrows are to die for.
Teenage Cave Man (1958)
Yep, you read that right. The name of Robert Vaughn’s character in the mega-awful 1958 Roger Corman flick Teenage Cave Man is “The Symbol Maker’s Teenage Son”. It’s a film so terrible – I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that Vaughn’s freshly-tailored haircut isn’t accurate to a man living out in the wild – that not only was it featured on an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, but Vaughn himself actually went so far as to call it “the worst film ever made” in an interview.
But since when has anyone ever watched a caveman movie for the plot, anyway? Robert Vaughn was pretty hot! The actor, decidedly not a teenager at the time given that he was 26-years-old (some things never change in Hollywood!), had the square-jawed good looks of a matinee idol, and luckily his acting career would survive the debacle; in 1960 he was nominated for an Oscar for his performance in The Young Philadelphians.