The 6 Stupidest Cinematic Reasons to Travel Through Time


Joseph Gordon-Levitt as David Addison in Looper

In Looper (opening Friday), Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays a contract killer who rubs out people that the mob throws back in time … until he himself is tossed back through the portal looking like Bruce Willis and he is unable to shoot himself because he was a huuuuuge Moonlighting fan. At least I think that’s the plot.

The point is, time travel is a tricky topic for movies, and lots of times it gets botched. Here are some of the worst reasons we’ve ever seen for someone to get their Back to the Future on.


1. To Bang Your Own Great-Great-Grandmother (Kate & Leopold)

Wait, I banged WHO? (Meg Ryan is confused.)

UGH. This movie is wretched. I wish I could travel back in time and slap myself in the face for sitting through it on a flight to the west coast. (Added bonus: double miles!) But worse than just being a bland romantic comedy that gives Meg Ryan ample time to sweater-act, it also features a loopy subplot (which was mostly cut from the final print after a critics at advance screenings balked) that makes engaged lovers Liev Schreiber and Meg Ryan blood relatives as a result of all the time-hopping. That’s even more uncomfortable than the rash Hugh Jackman got from his tights! Oh yeah – Hugh Jackman wears tights. THAT’s why I watched this movie.


2. To Push Ron Silver Into Himself (Timecop)

Ron Silver and his favorite costar, Ron Silver

Granted, his character is a total dick. And yes, when his past-self and his future-self touch, they break the laws of the space/time continuum and he devolves into a kinda cool pile of goo. But really, Jean Claude – why bother traveling through time at all when instead you could just stay home and do this all day:

Jean Claude Van Damme tidies up in Timecop

I guess he really doesn’t like to get his feet wet!

 

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