“The Following” 1.05 Recap: Don’t Tell Mom, the Babysitter’s Nuts

We start with a loving pan across our criminally attractive (and criminally insane) psycho threesome as they languish in bed on a sunny Hudson Valley morning. Paul (Adan Canto) tries to spoon Jacob (Nico Tortorella), but Jacob gets up to hit the bathroom, so Paul spoons Emma (Valorie Curry) instead. Hey – any sociopath in a storm, amiright? She’s all over it, having just spent the evening scrubbing her delicates on his abs in the shower (which sounds far dirtier than I meant it to).

Paul asks, “Jacob’s freaking out, isn’t he?” Dude, I think that ship sailed about ten dead bodies and three gay years ago.

Jacob has lots of tattoos, by the way. Character’s? Actor’s? Enquiring minds wanna know!

Meanwhile, Joey climbs the library bookshelf, and in a sequence exactly as suspenseful as an ad for DuPont Stainmaster Carpeting manages to get the phone from its hiding space and call Claire (Natalie Zea) while hiding under the kitchen table. Don’t tell Mom, the babysitter’s a f*cking nutjob! He describes the house in detail (“Well, it’s a big, pretty house – it’s white, and long, and it kind of looks like a big Tylenol!”) while the useless Feds try to get a trace, but Paul grabs him and pulls him away, screaming.

Mike Weston (Shawn Ashmore) tells them that the signal was scrambled, blah blah blah (cell phone hijinx again, Kevin? We’ve all seen Scream 2!) but he’ll try to fix it. Emma explains to Joey that the police are the bad guys and his father is actually a good guy.

Suddenly Joe’s lawyer, Olivia, shows up. They figure he’s up to something. She meets with Joe (James 100%PureFoy) despite the fact that she doesn’t seem to like him very much. He says she owes him favors or something and we get a really vague flashback about her dropping him as a client – but there’s nothing illegal or wrong about that, so I’m not sure what the point was. She says, “I don’t follow.” You’re one of the few, apparently! He tells her he wants her to spy for him, and for some reason she seems to accept his orders. Wait, what?

Downstairs, Paul tells Meghan (Li Jun Li) that she’s never going home. He then tries to lift Jacob’s killing spirits by helping him to select a knife with which to kill Meghan, but Jacob isn’t feeling it. Jacob flat-out says, “I’m not gay” and Paul counters that he was pretty gay last night. Jacob says he can’t be what Paul wants him to be – or what Emma wants him to be, or what anyone wants him to be, apparently. He asks Paul to kill Meghan for him, but Paul stands firm.

It turns out Joe’s orders for Olivia are for her to stage a dramatic reading of The Masque of the Red Death at a press conference. Well, compared to an ice pick in the face I guess she got a relatively easy assignment. Upon seeing the poem read on television, some guy picks up the phone and calls some other guy and says, “It’s time.”

The Feds figure out that the poem was a cue of some sort for the cult to act, and Debra Parker (the at this point criminally underused Annie Parisse) deputizes Ryan (Kevin Bacon) – or should I say “Debutizes” him? No, I should not. They’re busy trying to find out which giant farmhouses in Duchess County are set back from the road, have two stories, and are white with black shutters. Uh – anyone heard of Google Earth at the FBI?

Ryan apologizes to Claire, telling her that after he saves Joey they’re gonna have a nice long talk. But just let me go do this super-dangerous manhunt first, k? Be right back!

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