Before we tackle this week’s exercise in believability-stretching, can anyone tell me why the “Previously, on The Following…” bit at the beginning of the show is always EXACTLY the same? Can you imagine if The Walking Dead started every single episode with a square-one reminder that there was a zombie plague that took over the earth? The only other show I can think of that does this at the beginning of every episode is Arrow, which seems to delight in reminding us that once upon a time Stephen Amell was stuck on an island with nothing but a very bad wig to keep him alive. At this point, if you don’t know that Joe Carroll killed some chicks and escaped from jail, you should probably be watching something else.
Emma (Valorie Curry) and wee Joey (Don’tknow Don’tcare) pull into a creepy garage and meet an even creepier dude named Bo. He has a neck tattoo, which of course screams “childcare provider of the highest caliber.” As Joey soon learns, Bo also has a girl locked in a cage near the bathroom. Full service station, I guess? The girl begs Joey to let her out.
Olivia (Renee Goldsberry), Joe’s lawyer, plays the video footage of Ryan (Kevin Bacon) breaking Joe‘s (James 100%PureFoy) fingers for the warden. Good times…
Meanwhile, Claire (Natalie Zea) tells the Feds everything that she knows about Charlie, which is exactly nothing beyond “he was military” and “he kind of reminded me of that guy from The Goonies – you know, the one that married Diane Lane?” Ryan’s little ears perk up at her mention of Roderick, and Debra “Brass Cupcake” Parker (Annie Parisse) says that any good cult leader worth his weight in Manson chicks has a strong “second” to run the operations for him.
Parker asks Claire if she can count on her not to run off with one of Joe’s followers again, and Claire rather awesomely answers, “No. Not any more than I can count on you to find my son.” Okay, I like her.
Bo gets mad when he learns that Joey found the girl in his closet, and he tells Emma that she’s none of their damned business.
Meanwhile, Parker’s pissed at the warden, the warden’s pissed at Ryan, and Joe’s going on vacation… to Georgia! Oh. Really? Okay. Have fun with that.
Mike Weston (Shawn Ashmore) asks the marshals for a moment alone with Joe – and Joe and Mike meet face-to-face for the first time (or so they would like us to believe). Joe tells Mike, “I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure, but aren’t you on Warehouse 13?”
“That movie about the gay prom king?”
“No, not me, sorry.”
“Wait, don’t tell me – The Ruins?”
“Alone time” for Mike of course means “with Ryan,” who instantly manifests as though someone just spoke his name three times. Ryan asks where Roderick is and Joe pretends not to know who he’s talking about. Ryan thinks this means something. Okay… Parker assures Ryan that nothing will go wrong with Joe’s transfer, meaning that everything will. Ryan tells Mike that he thinks the warden has been compromised. Oh no! Now he’ll never find a suitable husband! [weeps into hankie]
While Emma presses Bo about Roderick, Joey swipes his keys (swiping keys is now the show’s second-most popular pastime, right after “checking around back”) and goes off to free the girl, whose name is Dana. She runs, and Bo grabs Joey, and Emma pulls a gun on Bo. He knocks her over and punches her, and I almost feel bad about enjoying it just a little. But before he can stomp her to death, Charlie (Tom Lipinski) appears from out of nowhere (no, that’s not a WW2 flashback I just had) with Dana in hand.
Back in Richmond, they load Joe into a jazzed-up UPS truck. Mike tells Ryan that the warden is clean but he does have a daughter in college – and her name’s Dun-Dun-DUNNNNNNNNN. Sorry – that’s “Dana”. They ask the warden if Joe’s people have taken Dun-Dun-Dana but the warden denies it.
Charlie explains to Emma that Bo is “useful in a limited way”, which describes most of the guys I dated in my twenties. Atta Bo! He explains that Dun-Dun-Dana is leverage. Charlie asks Emma what happened to Paul and Jacob, and she doesn’t answer. Hey, good question – where’d those crazy queens get to, anyway? Am I the only one who’s hoping they threw in the towel on the whole cult thing and have opened a B&B in the Catskills? Ten bucks says we haven’t seen the last of their pretty faces.