After a whole lot of hype and a fair amount of teeth-gnashing, Torchwood finally returned to our TVs tonight with the first episode of “Miracle Day.” Here’s how it went down.
Every Teevee Everywhere
Newscaster: Hello, Torchwood fans! Remember how grossed out so many of you guys were when we last left Captain Jack Harkness because of how he sacrificed his grandson to those aliens? Well, we’re going to kick off this series with something to make you forget that silly little offense. Oswald Danes is about to be executed for raping and murdering a 12-year-old girl. Still not sufficiently disgusted? At his trial he told the jury she should have run faster.
Executioner: Oswald Danes, would you like to do anything to creep us out more than what that newscaster just exposited?
Oswald Danes: [Lifts his head up and stares at the mother of the child he raped]
Executioner: That’ll do it. AVADA KEDAVRA!
Oswald Danes: Misfired your Unforgivable Curse, bro. That felt like Cruciatus to me. Further proof: I’m totally still alive.
Esther Drummond: Ever heard of Torchwood?
Random CIA Analyst: Touch wood?
Esther Drummond: No, Torchwood. Rex, are you sure it’s a good idea for you to be talking to me on your cell phone while driving like a maniac in a monsoon?
Rex Matheson: Whatever. There’s a lot to cover in this episode, so let’s just get this out of the way: I’m an asshole. I’m ecstatic because Agent Whatshisface’s wife has leukemia, which means I’m going to get his job. It’ll be almost as almost as awesome as that time I punched a baby in the face on ER.
Steel poles: STFU, dude. Seriously.
Ironic Emergency Room of Ironies
Rex: [Bleeds the way you do when steel poles are poking out of your heart]
Doctors: Crazy how no one has died tonight, right?
Across the Pond
The Welsh coastline: [Is stunning]
Rhys Williams: Not even lesbians could make a commune as charming as this one. I love it here.
Gwen Cooper: It’s been 759 days, 13 hours, and 41 minutes since my hands have felt the sensuous touch of a cold, steel firearm. Sometimes I think of choosing one, any one, out of our weapons stockpile and firing at you, just for giggles.
Rhys: What’s that, darling?
Gwen: Just talking to myself about radishes, like f–king always.
Helicopter: [Circles sinisterly.]
Gwen: Oh, please be someone I can shoot. Please be someone I can shoot.
Rhys: It’s not someone you can shoot.
Once Upon a Time
Gwen: [Feeds radish cereal to her baby.] … another time, there was this sex-crazed alien that was powered by orgasms! It was inhabiting human female bodies and banging everyone in sight. And I do mean everyone. Of course, your mum’s no prude. I made out with her in one of the Torchwood holding cells. I was just reaching for her —
Rhys: You promised no more Torchwood stories!
Intruders: [Knock at the door.]
Gwen: [Air punches. Launches herself at WMD closet.]
Intruders: [Pretend not to be intruders.]
Back Across the Pond
Dr. Vera Juarez: Are you waiting on Rex Mattheson? Even under anesthesia he doesn’t seem like the kind of person who would have any friends.
Esther: Yeah, I have an inexplicable crush on him. Probably because I haven’t met Captain Jack Harkness yet.
Dr. Vera: I think that is a truth for every person, of every sexual orientation, in every universe, everywhere on the space-time continuum. The good news is that Rex is alive, super alive, like everyone else at every other hospital all over the world. Even Seattle Grace didn’t kill anyone today, and you know what a clusterf–k that place is.
Newscasters: Miracle Day, Miracle Day, Miracle Day, Miracle Day, Miracle Day.
Kentucky Prison for Incurably Criminal Monsters
Governor’s Assistant: You are going to stay in prison.
Oswald Danes: You obviously have not seen the trailer for this mini-series.
Rex: If you thought I was jackass before, wait’ll you get a load of me now that my heart’s bleeding through my pajamas.
Dr. Vera: Near death experiences usually make people nicer.
Rex: Not me. I am the worst.
CIA Analyst: Torchwood isn’t Google-able anymore, which is kinda weird, right?
Esther: I wonder if the word still exists on paper.
CIA Analyst: What’s … paper?
Welsh Tourism Board: No, really, this is better than when they filmed in Cardiff.
Rhys: Do you think I’m cooler than Amy Pond’s superfluous husband, even though he got to wear a centurion outfit one time?
Gwen: I don’t think anyone will even notice you when my cleavage and Welsh accent are out in full force like this.
Emergency phone: [Rings]
Gwen: Yes! Someone’s died! We can finally leave this Godforsaken place!
Rhys: Gwen, I asked you if I’m cooler than Rory!
Gwen: Shut up, we’re 20 minutes into this episode and John Barrowman hasn’t shown his face yet. Everyone’s getting restless.