“True Blood”: “I’m Your F*cking Fairy Grandfather”

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Fairy peepaws, nosy activists and a human water fountain made this week’s ep a considerable improvement over the premiere.

On some bridge somewhere, a wormhole opens up and Rob Zombie falls out. Sookie (Anna Paquin) stirs in her sleep, her Kindle malfunctioning beside her. Apparently she wasn’t a fan of the Halloween remake either.

Jason‘s (Ryan Kwanten) ice-cream-suited benefactor appears in front of his careening car – full-on Mister Boogedy style, mind you – and saves him. As expected, his blond chauffeur is NOT Warlow (of course not – why would he have been referring to himself in the third person last episode?), but in fact Jason’s fairy grandpappy (Rutger Hauer). He was apparently testing J-bird the whole time and homeslice failed miserably.

Over at Fangtasia, Tara (Rutina Wesley) is on the bar writhing in pain and Pam (Kristen Bauer van Straten) tries to comfort her – looks like she’s not healing. In full Vampire McGyver mode, Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) uses a busted Rolling Rock bottle to pry out the bullet – which is silver and emits UV rays. Pam freaks out on Eric and Nora (Lucy Griffiths) – who defends her and The Authoritaay’s actions by saying that the humans have never fought back before. Eric hisses, “if the humans want war, we’ll give them war” and then, in an amazing response to something I can’t quite remember, howls, “TROOYYYYYYY… AGAINNNNNNNN!” and everyone scatters.

Back at Casa Beel, Jess (Deborah Ann Woll) wakes up and runs downstairs to find Beel (Stephen Moyer) bloody-eyed and catatonic in his study. He suddenly wails, “I CAN’T HELP THEM!” and we see that in his mind he’s watching a child vampire get set on fire and an adult male vamp get dragged behind a truck. Then he’s in a field with his three naked bloody ladies behind him. It’s like a porny, corn-syrupy version of that Robert Palmer “Simply Irresistible” video. Lilith (Jessica Clark) – who should really wear a slip – tells him, “Events have been set in motion.”

Sookie awakens to a call from Arlene (Carrie Preston), who calls her “Missy hangover” (my nickname in college, coincidentally) and tells her that she’s late for her f*cking shift. Terry (Chad Lowe) spots a lady he recognizes as Patrick’s wife – who is pregnant (with a tiny ifrit, if we’re lucky) – by the front door. They confirm her suspicions that Patrick ran off with another woman and Arlene gives her a pep talk. Where are they going with this, exactly? I don’t really care, because it allows Arlene the line, “Life is really a sh*t samwich sometimes.”

On the way to work, Sookie passes a groaning man (Rob Kazinsky) in the bushes. I’ve spent enough time in the Central Park Rambles to know that this is the kind of situation where a lady minds her own beeswax, but Sookie of course plunges right in. Turns out it’s a handsome fairy halfling who’s been attacked by a vampire. Pleased to meet ya! Is it just me or does Sookie meet far too many of her boyfriends in bushes? She should really try match.com. She of course takes him home, where he promptly falls asleep on her couch. Doesn’t she know anything about fairy concussions or Nightmare on Elm Street movies? Don’t let him fall asleep!

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