Well hello there Fangbangers, shifters, mascara-happy fry cooks, and other creatures of the night! True Blood is back, and it’s as True Bloody as ever. Whether or not that is a good thing remains to be seen. Let’s dig through these entrails and find out!
We start from a Billith spooge POV to see that Sookie (Anna Paquin) has a glowstick in her mouth. Welcome to the 1990s, girl! Sook falls face-first into a pile of Gay Stormtrooper goo (anyone else miss Nan Flanagan?) and Eric (Alexander Skarsgård) shooshes her into an elevator. The lights go out, but it turns out everyone’s favorite roadhouse waitress is handy in a blackout – but can’t vampires see in the dark?
Meanwhile, the rest of the survivors are making their way up the stairs. Pam (Kristin Bauer van Straten) snarks to Nora (Lucy Griffiths), “Excuse me, bitch sergeant” – but as a bitch general, wouldn’t she pull rank?
Outside, Luna (Janina Gavankar) dies. Yes, just like that. THANKS, ARROW.
There are explosions. Bill’s (Stephen Moyer) cratch is on fire (do they make Lotrimin for vampire deities?), and he flies into space while Eric does donuts with his Escalade in the parking lot. Jason (Ryan Kwanten) – in a rare moment of clarity – calls Billith “a naked evil Superman”. From the mouths of extremely hot babes, kids.
We then pop over to the governor’s mansion in Baton Rouge. The Gov (Arliss Howard) looks a bit like an overgroomed Bob Balaban: