“True Blood” Episode 406 Recap: An Officer and a Panther-Man

This week’s episode is positively

like in all those Shakespeare comedies, everybody winds up wandering around the
woods, acting all confused and silly and lusty, before several of them couple
off. Sure Shakespeare typically ends with everybody married off, while this ends with certain couples getting off, but it basically amounts to
the same thing.

that’s missing is a snarky fairy to observe all the action and declare,
“What fools these mortals (and vampires) be.” Wait, what am I saying?
There is a snarky fairy around who is
totally prepared to make just those sorts of observations … me.

these storylines be …


Eric and Sookie bring their groping session into
the house, tearing off each other’s clothes as he lays her on the couch and
proceeds to take the Downtown Express: destination Crotchland. Amnesiac Eric
has clearly forgotten that the only thing the old Eric cared about when it came
to sex was taking care of himself.

Eric’s face directly in Sookie’s happy-place as she begins to moan, Bill naturally comes barging in. Goodness,
this is awkward.

snarls, and Eric says, “Mg erish mmsh freeemunigggg!!!” Bill’s all,
“What???” so Eric lifts his head up and says, “Can’t you see I’m
in the middle of something?!!”

and Eric come to blows, but Eric being the older, stronger vamp overpowers him
and gets ready to stake him. Sookie puts a stop to it. When Eric asks who the
fangy asshat is, she responds, “He’s your king.” So Eric gets all
meek and subject-y, falling to his knees in front of Bill. And Sookie’s all,
“Um, could you maybe finish me off before getting started on him? [Sigh.]
Men are the worst.”

Bill’s goons drag Eric into his mansion and
proceed to put him in silver chains. Sookie points out this is cruel and
unnecessary, since Eric is being a total wet blanket now and basically cowing
to whatever Bill demands of him.

insists that Eric is a danger to himself and other vampires. But Sookie is
having none of it, rightfully sensing it’s much more personal, and she and Bill
FINALLY have the bitter, mean-spirited post-break-up fight we’ve all been dying
for. I love every second of it.

remarks that Bill had his fangs “and who knows what else” inside
every hot girl in town, but the second she moves on, his response is to put the
guy in his own personal dungeon. Then she tries to pull the old, “If you
ever loved me, you won’t hurt him” line that usually works, but this time
Bill ain’t buying. He orders Eric put into custody and tells his goons that if
Sookie ever shows up on his property she’s to be arrested.

Eric is placed in a cell in the basement. He
gives the air a sniff and then makes a face like he’s inside the bathroom of an
old age home on burrito night.

like death in here,” he says.

me!” comes a wail from behind him. It’s Pam, and she removes this blanket that’s covering her to reveal her
freshly rotted face. Actually, she looked much worse last week when hunks of
flesh were falling off. But now that she’s mostly skull she’s got a sort of
anime look about her. You could put her picture on cute little purses and
pencil cases and sell them all over Japan.

says they’ve got to break out and fight, but goody-goody Eric is aghast, all,
“That’s treason!” So Pam pulls a Moonstruck,
slapping him with a, “Snap out of it!”

tells Eric that he is a “Viking vampire god” (so true!) and Bill is
just a “dork” (so true!) who they hate. She reminds Eric how she and
he travelled for a hundred years together, “killin’ and f*ckin’ and
laughin'” – which sounds remarkably similar to my post-college backpacking
jaunt through Europe (if you swap out
“killin'” and “f*ckin'” with “battlin’ food
poison” and “pickin’ up a nasty rash”).

says they’ve got to get Eric’s memory back, but Eric says he doesn’t want to.
From what he hears about his old self, he doesn’t like the guy and doesn’t want
to go back to being him. In other words, this entire season has become the
movie Regarding Henry.

Meanwhile, up in his office, Bill Skypes
with Nan Flanagan.
I like
Nan, but it seems like every conversation with
her is always something along the lines of, “Hey, watch me make a cavalier
reference to something horrifically violent and follow it with an ironic
reference to tolerance, image control, or equality.”

tells her he’s got the necromancing witch in custody for observation, and also
Eric Northman. He argues that if Eric is controlled by the witches he could be
a dangerous weapon in their hands, and he requests permission from the
Authority to put him to death. Nan says she’ll
start the paperwork and get back to him. Wow, King Bill is a real bastard!

The next night, Bill and his goons escort

to the lawn and set him up for a nice moonlight execution. Vampire Authority
bureaucracy must move remarkably fast, given Bill only just asked for the
warrant the day before. Maybe we can get them on this debt ceiling thing.

Eric is
still playing up the whole “what a good boy am I” shtick for all its
worth, saying he won’t fight his sentence. But he asks for a few requests: one,
that Bill release Pam, since she’s rotted away so much and doesn’t pose a real
danger. And two, to tell Sookie that he appreciates all she did for him, that
at least he’ll die knowing that he was able to love someone.

At this
point, this is all so maudlin that I’m kind of hoping they’ll just stake him
already. Bill must feel the same way because he grabs a stake and gets ready to
do the deed.

Eric says that he knows Sookie still cares for Bill and he hopes that after
he’s gone those two crazy kids can find a way to make it work. Dumbfounded,
Bill wonders why in the world he’d want that, and Eric says, “She deserves
happiness with whoever can give it to her.” Cue violins, puppies,
rainbows, and me barfing.

Later on, Sookie is wandering around the
looking for Jason
(more on that in a minute – let’s just say that Sookie spends much of this
episode visiting other storylines). She hears some rustling and thinks it’s
something wicked this way come.

she sees that it’s actually Eric, born free from his death sentence. So
apparently even if Bill is now a bastard, he’s still enough of a sap to buy
into Eric’s “just let her love me” plea and released him.

and Sookie run to each other, embrace, and resume the nookie. After a short
glimpse of solitary King Bill wallowing in loneliness on his porch, we see Eric
and Sookie naked, making beautiful love together outside, on the mossy ground,
in the moonlit bayou. I guess it’s supposed to be romantic and all, but all I
could think about was getting bug bites in places you really don’t want to be

throughout this whole sequence, there’s this gorgeous Neko Case song playing, “I Wish I Was the Moon,” that I
kept thinking would make a beautiful wedding song because, BTW, I got married
last Sunday on the first day of marriage-equality in NY. (I was hoping I’d find
a slick way to stick this into a recap, and I think I pulled it off … eh,
probably not, but who cares? Just send gifts).

WTF Rating: 2. Here’s
a theory: what if Eric actually does have his memory back and has in fact been
playing at this lost, soulful goody-two-shoes bit to screw Sookie and screw
with Bill?

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