“True Blood” Episode 407 Recap: “I Am Not a Zombie!”

Hey folks! Dennis here, covering True Blood this time out since your usual
brilliant recapper Steven Frank is
on his honeymoon. He will be back next week, I promise. Go easy me if I’m not nearly
as witty or incisive as Steven normally is.

Show opens in Bill’s
high tech dungeon
where it looks like “Mantonia” (the witch Antonia
in Marnie‘s body) has cast an
Imperius curse on Louis.

She has him call out to that red-headed woman who
infiltrated the witches’ coven to spy on her. I’ll call her Harriet, as in Harriet the Spy, since I
don’t know her real name.

And I love this detail, Harriet is playing friggin’ Plants v. Zombies on her iPad! (Love
that game!)

Anyway, Harriet thinks Louis has attacked Marnie so – bad
move – she enters the cell. Louis puts the drop on her and – after arranging
for Mantonia’s exit route via her walkie talkie – Mantonia pronounces Harriet a traitor
and has Louis snap her neck. I think this is foreshadowing. Mantonia holds
grudges!

Speaking of grudges, te cut to Merlotte’s
parking lot,
where a foul-tempered and badly decomposing Pam has cornered Tara and her wrestler lady friend. It doesn’t look good for Tara. Pam gets her in a chokehold, but then suddenly
there’s this huge audience of people with cameras. Where the hell did they come
from? This horde of anti-vampire picketers seems to conveniently come and go as
the plot requires.

Anyway, the crowd mistakes Pam for a zombie, which is sorta
priceless. “I am not a zombie!’

Pam doesn’t want to get caught murdering a human on camera.
But why I wonder, when she can just claim it was a zombie that done the deed?
Anyhoo, Tara gets a reprieve this
time, but Pam assures her that when they meet again, “I’m going to f*cking
shred you like confetti.”

Pam gets all the best lines.

Cut to Jesus, all
pissy because his grandfather sicked a cobra on him.
“You could have
killed me!” Martolo is totally
honeybadgering here. He doesn’t give a f*ck. He says he arranged Jesus’ potentially
lethal snakebite to convince Lafayette that he
has the “magic” As you’ll recall, last week Lafayette channeled Tito Puente. Or someone like that.

Jesus fesses up that he knew Lafayette was a “medium.”

Hmm, I’m thinking that in the bedroom that’s sorta like the
ultimate in versatile, isn’t it? I can just picture Jesus negotiating with Lafayette: “Hey hon,
tonight could you maybe channel John
Wayne
?”

On the way back to
Bon Temps they stop at a Ihop.
Because nothing cures a python bite hangover
like a big greasy breakfast.

Out in the woods
somewhere, Alcide and Debbie are participating in a werewolf hootenanny.
Debbie
is totally in her element, but Alcide looks uncomfortable – probably because he
wore a $500 leather jacket to hang out with some low rent werewolves who like
to face paint with stag guts.

He says he’s worried that they left Sookie in the woods all
by herself. At first Debbie is mad, but then she actually is pretty generous
here and suggests maybe they spare ten minutes to go see if she’s okay. I so
totally would not have done that.

They head out into the underbrush and see a full moon. As in
Eric‘s ass. He and Sookie are going
at it. Alcide seems pained. Debbie seems relieved, as it means that Sookie is
off the market.

Cut to Bill’s office.
Louis comes in and tells him that Antonia the witch has a message. Apparently
said message is a stake in the heart, but Louis makes a particularly ineffective
henchman, as he winds up staking himself. But not before he can wheeze out one
word: “Resurrection.”

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