“True Blood”: Blood Rain

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Another week, another episode of True Blood with a season’s worth of storylines from Passions threatening to break my recapping wrist. Here we go…

Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) tries to keep from getting Nora Soup all over Bill’s 500-count Frette linens as Billith (Stephen Moyer) tries to explain that he had no idea she’d go all Dinty Moore on him like that. Eric, disbeliever that he is, gets upset – so Billith makes him puppet-dance all Evil Dead (or Peter Pan) in the corner. Eric has fun with it (“Mother, I can fly!”) until Billith loses patience, shits on Godric’s memory, throws him on the floor, and makes him take his vampire trucks and go home.

Ugh. Seriously – whip out your dead dicks and get this over with, fellas. Momma’s got laundry to do.

OPENING TITLES

Rikki has Danielle slap Nicole and tells Alcide (Joe Manganiello) to shut up. Being the packmaster, Alcide doesn’t take too kindly to this. So Rikki challenges Alcide, with Danielle as her second and nameless Buffy the Vampire Slayer stunt double as a third. Rikki doesn’t think that Alcide has the stones to kill her, and she’s right.

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Back at the Concentration Vamp, Tara (Rutina Wesley) tells Willa (Emilia Blaire Clarke) to back away from Jason (Ryan Kwanten) , or Nameless Paulina Porizkova Vamp will get all up in her bids. Sure enough, Paulina tells Jason that he is her bloodbag for life – and she means that, because she’s “Medieval Times Catholic.” As someone who just went to Medieval Times for the first time just this past month, I can vouch: THEIR GARLIC BREAD IS ETERNALLY AMAZING.

Sookie (Anna Paquin) returns to Barlow (Rob Kazinsky) – the super-powerful, dimension-jumping vampire faerie who has survived 6000 years – and ties him up again with a fake vine from the Party City luau collection. She gives him more blood and he asks her to marry him again, because he’s been waiting forever for her. She asks him to do a favor for her or all her friends are gonna die but he cries, ‘I DON’T WANNA WAIT!” … for your liiiiiives to be over? Too late. Eric overhears and locates Barlow with his Undead Douchebag sensors.

Jess (Deborah Ann Woll): “It was a good lay, good lay! It was a good lay, good lay.”

James (Luke Grimes): Uh-huh.

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