Holy mid-season melee, Batman! This week’s True Blood took the Sam bull by the horns (courtesy of a double-stuffed ep penned by Alan Ball hisself) and plowed through the china shop that is Bon Temps with extreme prejudice, hopefully reviving what has been thus far a somewhat off-key season. Rip open a bag of iFritos and join me!
We pick up mere seconds from where last week’s episode left off (remember, this entire season has been, like, TWO DAYS so far), with Alcide (Joe Manganiello) either succumbing to Sookie’s Orange Marzipan shooters or something even more sinister. Turns out it’s other wolves (duh – Russell has always had an entourage of juicers, so no surprise there), and our hirsute hero gets all tangled up in a furry frenzy with them as Russell (Denis O’Hare) – who isn’t as bedridden as he was letting on – makes his move on Sookie (Anna Paquin). A wave of her flash fingers later and he’s on his ass. Speaking of ass, a werewolf with a surprisinly bouncy tushie finds his way to the ground in the next room.
Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) wants to stake Russell, but Bill (Stephen Moyer) – ever the pragmatic thinkah – thinks Russell is worth more dead than alive, so he threatens to stake Eric if Eric stakes Russell. Mind you, this is NEVER BROUGHT UP AGAIN, so just pretend it’s not happening and repeat to yourself that Bill is still an opportunist, and all is right in the world. Colonel Mustard pops his head in, notes the two dead weres, quips, “Two corpses, everything’s fine!” and moves on.
Hoyt So Good (Pam, Tara, Jessica, Hoyt)
Jessica (Deborah Ann Woll) enters the scene in the only way that a TRUE STAR enters a scene: flying, backward, over a pleather banquette and into a breakaway cocktail table. GORGEOUS. Seriously, the first real laugh I’ve had all season, and it was as overdue as the copy of The Merchant of Venice I still owe to my high school library. Jess spits at Tara (Rutina Wesley) that it looks like their whole BFF thing is as over as Uggs, and a delightfully unrepentant Tara spouts off about how it’s her house and yaddayadda. Pam (Kristin Bauer von Straten) swoops in to control her ward, collaring her and reminding her, “This isn’t YOUR house, it’s MINE.” Tara awesomely responds, “Yes, Missy Pam” (THEY JUST WENT THERE) and there seems to almost be a moment of simmering sexual tension between mother and daughter (HOW GOLDEN GIRLS IS THIS?!) before Pam insults Tara by calling her a dog and goes back to work. LOVE IT.
Later, Hoyt (Jim Parrack) corners Jess in a booth and tells her that he now knows that she still loves him. Jess almost crushes her wrist with her porcelain forehead, tired of having to give him the same speech over and over. But Hoyt is SERIOUSLY effed-up at this point – I don’t know if it’s all the blood he’s lost or what, but he’s hit rock bottom – he offers to let her glamour him and use him for whatever she wants. Poor thing. Jess is disgusted and humiliated and moved, and she tells him it will never happen while he’s wearing that Fred Flintstone Casuals outfit and storms off.