“True Blood” Recap: Terry – You in Danger, Girl

Good gravy, where to start? This week’s episode (directed by series star Stephen Moyer) was packed with enough blood, sugar, sex, and magic to put the Red Hot Chili Peppers themselves to shame. Grab your tube sock and let’s jump in!

As disorderly orderly Joe Bob gets dragged off to the po-po by Andy (Chris Bauer), Sam (Sam Trammell) snaps, “Enjoy prison, asshole!” Joe starts to respond, but Andy cautions him, “Shut up, buttplug.”

Luna (Janina Gavankar), meanwhile, is in her room freaking out over the fact that there are so many shifter-killers everywhere. Sam talks her down and tucks her in, assuring her that he has it covered. But the second he is gone, she is up again and practicing her hospital spazz-out audition scene for Girl Interrupted 2: Your Girlfriend is a Shifter – she looks into the mirror, gets a terrible stomach pain, and doubles over – and when she stands back up she’s shifted into Sam. “F*ck me!” Well, I’m sure you have. She blacks out.

OPENING TITLES

Meanwhile, over in New Orleans the vampire circuit party continues - Bill (Stephen Moyer), Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) and The Authoritaay are still tripping vampire balls on the blood of Lilith. There’s the smearing of blood on the walls and the contemplation of light bulbs, and Steve Newlin (Michael McMillan) bounces on the knee of Russell Edgington (Denis O’Hare) while shouting “Riiide the pony!” Too bad Sam and Luna aren’t here to give real pony rides!

Eric turns to Bill and asks, “What the hell just happened?”

Sookie (Anna Paquin), meanwhile, is still shooting off faerie bottle rockets in her yard, and Jason (Ryan Kwanten) – ever the responsible law enforcement official – stops by to ask her to cool it. She zaps him by accident, but he’s okay – “I’m fine – you got me in the head.” He asks why she’s out there shooting blanks in the middle of the night and says that he thinks her powers are awesome, and may in fact be the only way they’ll figure out who killed their parents.

Sookie mentions that she read Mike Spencer‘s mind once (hey – there’s that name again!) and he was thinking about sucking her toes, and Jason tells her “Don’t be sprayin’ it all over the yard.” Words of wisdom from someone who probably knows.

Back at the hospital, Luna escapes by slipping past Kevin in Sam drag – complete with an open-backed hospital gown (buns!) and the most hilarious sashay since last week’s RuPaul’s Drag U. He/She steals a “Free Mustache Rides” sweatshirt off a coma victim.

Over at Fangtasia, Jess (Deborah Ann Woll) is goth dancing and a young fangbanger sidles up to her real nice. He looks familiar because he’s one of the supe killers that was hanging out with Hoyt in the last episode – so we know this is going to end well. They Lambada, and she leads him off to certain no-goodness.

Back in the Interior Illusions Lounge, the vamps come down from their ecstasy (the state of religious euphoria, not the drug – or so we think) and Russell comments that “God has the most beautiful tits I’ve ever seen.” I’m sure she would, right? He also praises Moses’ cock, declaring that he’s born again. Again. (You know, if we’re really keeping count.)

Our creepy pedophile burn victim points out, “For the first time in a decade, I ate a child!” Yes, we noticed. They all think that Lilith’s full-frontal appearance was a sign of her blessing of the drastic new direction in which they’re taking the Authoritaay, and Salami (Valentina Cervi) sends out for some dinner to celebrate. The pedophile makes a special request for baby back ribs, claiming that “Lilith wants me to eat a baby.” Of course she does.

Eric wants to skate, and he tries to get Bill to go with him. Bill isn’t feeling it.

And whoever’s ordering dinner, can you ask them to send extra napkins? Because these vamps really need to wipe their damned faces. Maybe even a wet-nap, if you have one – and get a lobster bib for the child molester, because that baby’s gonna be juicy!

 

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