“True Blood” Recap: “Too Cute to Be Goo”

Following last week’s relative snoozer, this week’s True Blood once again had chicken-fried batsh*t on the menu, with all sorts of minor revelations and developments adding up to one complicated humdinger of an episode.

Strap on your bib and let’s dig in!

We start off with a shot from the Channel 5 Vampcam – new vamp (and newly-exfoliated) Tara (Rutina Wesley) is wandering around in the woods gazing at the sky and looking at squirrels. Ah – I get it – becoming a vampire is just like that time I ate mushrooms and went to the planetarium. Now it all makes sense! She runs from Sookie (Anna Paquin) and Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) and ends up almost eating a girl with a flat tire – but she sees her own vampy reflection in the windshield, apologizes, and scoots off. She’s pretty fast for someone who’s so hungry, isn’t she? She must have grabbed a Snickers.

OPENING CREDITS

HIDING THE SALOME (Bill, Eric, Salome, Roman)

Over at The Authoritaaay, Deiter screams “WHAT AN EPIC F*CKING DISASTER!” and I think he’s taking about the casting of that damned toddler vampire, because he SUCKS. Maybe they don’t make rugrat-sized vampire teeth, because I can’t understand a word he says – did he really just yell, “We do not negotiate with pastas!”?

Blah blah blah, Roman (Christopher Meloni) accepts Bill and Eric’s offer to capture “one ancient, pissed-off psychopath” and I don’t think he’s talking about Pat Robertson. Roman commands, “Bring in the new Nan Flanagan!” and sure enough, gay vampire American Steve Newlin (Michael McMillan) is presented.

Awesome.

Steve thinks he is the perfect public face for Mainstreaming, but Roman questions his judgment in underestimating humans, who are after all their ancestors, and “not just talking meat”. He puts Steve in his place and Steve kinda likes it – he also thumbs Steve’s cheekbones, which is a little strange. There’s also an offhand Elvis sighting joke, which fans of the books will no doubt get a kick out of.

Meanwhile, Bill (Stephen Moyer) and Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) are being fitted for some kind of S&M-inspired house arrest harness thingie by the chick from Napoleon Dynamite. The Authoritaay, using an app, can kill either one of them with a direct punch to the heart whenever they want. Shot to the heart, and who’s to blame? Tina Majorino. I’m totally getting a spiky lesbian vibe from her, but then she points out, “you guys are too cute to be goo.” Lady lover or no, the girl does have a point.

Later, Bill and Salami Salome (Valentina Cervi) are walking around in the boiler room and flirting. Turns out that Salome is actually THAT Salome – the one with the killer John the Baptist recipe and all that, although she points out that when it comes to fact-checking, “the human Bible is a little better than US Weekly“. Oof – that one’s gonna play well in the heartland! Anyone else get the feeling that Alan Ball is trying to get off as many parting shots as he can now that he’s got one foot out the door? She trusts Bill and wants to help him, and he accepts her help – WITH HIS VAMPIRE CHUBBIE – by banging her standing-up against the wall.

Back at The Authoritaay, Salami seduces Eric. It’s as hard as it sounds. By the way – is it just me or is she serving some serious Idina Menzel realness when her hair’s down? She also lets on that she knows Eric and Nora are siblings. Then they screw. In the next room, meanwhile, Nora (Lucy Griffiths) is being interrogated by Chicken-Fried Sharon Osborne, who gets Nora to confess to being a Sanguinista (after calling Sharon a “c*nting tw*t”) by threatening to activate Bill and Eric’s iStakes – HA! – and rewards Nora with a shot of silver.

In the elevator of The Authoritaay, Bill and Eric compare Salami stories, with Bill making a “sloppy seconds” crack. The doors open and they’re confronted by half of the extras from GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra. No idea what’s going on there – but upstairs, Chris Meloni is taking off his clothes, right on schedule, so all is right in the world! Salami tells him that she was able to divine with her vagina the fact that Bill and Eric aren’t hiding anything, so it’s all good! Roman tells her Nora confessed to being a Sanguinista, so all NOT good. But he has his shirt off by that point, so all good. They kiss. (Not good.)

WTF RATING:

Eh. Nothing really going on here until Meloni loses the pants. I think it’s coming in about 3… 2…

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