“True Blood” Recap: Two Flew Over the Vampires’ Nest

Whazzahazzawhahh??*

(*Exact reaction to about 90% of last night’s True Blood)

We start off with Bill (Stephen Moyer) hearing someone’s voice calling rather lazily to him in the empty halls of The Authoritaay: “Bill … Compton … Bill … Compton … The White Zone is for the loading and unloading of passengers only … There is no parking in the White Zone.” He goes into the Lilith Lounge and there Lilith (Jessica Clark) is, in all her nekkid-Hellboy-ish glory, to announce: “Only you can lead us. Billkachu, I choose you!”

She tells him to drink ALL of her blood – after calculating the volume of liquid that has been retained by her doormat-sized pubic merkin he’s all, “Eew, that’s a bit … no, I’m good, thanks” and turns away. He hears a squawk behind him and when he turns back Lilith is gone, but she’s left tell-tale strawberry jam fingerprints on the door of her tabernacle.

In a different but equally boring wing of the Authoritaay, Nora (Lucy Griffiths) is sitting on a bench thinking about how the ghost of her dead maker was beheaded in front of her earlier that day. Ah … good times! Salami (Valentina Cervi) enters to tell her that General Cavanaugh is coming. Nora feigns excitement at whoever that is and Salami rhapsodizes about how the two of them started this whole thing together and how “the world will run with blood.” Nora kisses Salami – ON THE MOUTH, LIKE A DIRTY GIRL – and it’s clear that Nora is up to something.

Elsewhere, Jess (Deborah Ann Woll) sneaks into Bill’s chambers to find his phone – and when he catches her she tells him that her phone isn’t working and she really needs to warn Jason about how Russell and Steve are out to get him and Sookie and everything. Bill won’t let her call, telling her that human problems are totally lame and Sookie and Jason are just food now … pretty, pretty food.

Jess tries another tactic, telling Bill that if he lets her visit Jason she’ll turn him into a vampire, because that’s what Lilith wants, right? He calls her bluff and comes very close to ordering her AS HER MAKER to turn him (but he doesn’t), and sends her to Bon Temps in a helicopter (finally, someone tries to account for all the time travel happening lately!) with a security detail.

Related: Bill is a total sh*thead.

Down the dull hall, Eric (Alexander Skarsgård) is pacing in his cell. Nora is walking around looking intense/crazy, and she goes into Eric’s room. They have cheer-sex, and then they have REAL sex. Hilariously, Nora decides right in the middle of things to scream, “Forgive me forgive me, what are we gonna do?!?” Eric says he’ll get them out of there.

Back at the Cirque du So Gay, Sookie (Anna Paquin) and Jason (Ryan Kwanten) discuss the news that she’s been promised to this guy:

Jason says that he won’t let the “air shape” take her. Apparently the fairies are going to let Sookie talk to some elder, who might be able to help. Jason takes his leave to, like, go to work and stuff. Sookie apparently can’t be bothered. Which is okay, because her boss is currently playing The Rescuers Down Under at the vampire shadow government’s headquarters. We all should have it so easy, right? And by the way, where have all the fairies gone? They said earlier that they can’t leave the club for fear of getting eaten, but it’s empty. Party in the champagne room!

Back at L’Authoritaay, General Cavanaugh arrives and demands to know where Roman is. Funny, because I think he’s the only one who misses him, amIright? [HIGHFIVE] The human military apparently knows that the vamps bombed the True Blood factories themselves (when Antebellum Sharon Osborne protests he puts her in Time Out and calls them all “psychotic bloodsuckers,” eliciting the kind of facial expression that Carolyn Hennessy was hired for), and he calls them on the carpet for breaking the standing truce that he and Roman arranged twenty years ago.

The NuThoritaay tell him that their policies have shifted and that he’d better watch his fat baby mouth; he counters that they have footage of Russell – whom the vamps had promised was dead – and Steve Newlin slaughtering a frathouse, and they had better watch THEIR fat baby mouths. He goes to leave and Eric jumps in front of him. “Oh God.” “God is a vampire.” [breaks neck] Antebellum Sharon Osborne clutches her pearls and mutters, “Oh my …”

Pages: 1 2 3 4

Tags: , , , ,