“True Blood” Recap: “You Light Up My Life”

Just a heads-up that we moved yesterday, so my recap of last night’s True Blood may feature fugues of hallucinatory subjectivity brought on by severe exhaustion. Or the episode itself may have just been a fever-dream of non sequiturs. Was there really a Debbie Boone sing-along? Did Jason shoot Jessica in the head? And was it just me, or was Pam wearing extensions from the Dee Snyder collection?

Let’s jump in.

We pick up where we left off: Roman is Hamburger Helper, and Russell (Denis O’Hare) – ever the Southern gentleman – toes a heapin’ helpin’ into the hot tub with the toe of his boot. He then spins and attacks Eric (Alexander Skarsgard), and suddenly the UV lights are strobing, people are screaming, and for the first time since One Night in Paris, the scariest thing in night vision is not the sight of the star of House of Wax tenderizing her face with a baby’s arm.

The gay stormtroopers surround them (where’s Eric?) and suddenly Russell is back, and clearly allowing himself to be caught in the silver nets. When the lights come on, we find Eric, who has been hung on the wall like some guy who was hung up on the wall as some sort of sacrifice for the good of others, but his name isn’t coming to me right now. Check back when Lafayette appears.

OPENING CREDITS

We catch up with Sookie (Anna Paquin), who is undergoing some kind of fairy reiki, or something – Claude and one of his sisters (I think it’s Clauderains) are passing light through her body like when you used to use a potato to run a digital clock in 3rd grade science. Jason (Ryan Kwanten) isn’t keen on the procedure but he lets them – and when they seem disappointed in the results of her Fae E-Meter, he stammers, “But her head, it lit up real good!”

They wake Sookie and tell her that her energy is depleting – she will run out of magic if she keeps using it indiscriminately. They drive home the fact that if she runs out of magic she’ll just be a boring old human again, and we see her face light up – apparently Sookie hasn’t seen X-Men: The Last Stand, because Paquin’s Rogue character went through THE EXACT SAME STORYLINE:

Who else is holding out for a Hugh Jackman cameo?

Over at The Stake House, Andy (Chris Bauer) is being questioned by Kevin, who seriously is the creepiest thing that a show with exploding vampires, baby-napping ghosts, and demon-fueled blood orgies has to offer. I kind of love it. Andy doesn’t: “Jesus tits on Christ, this has gotta be the worst day of my life!” Speaking of blood orgies, Coroner Mike Redherring Spencer shows up – he was with a lady, and Kevin tells him “TMI.” He goes to check out Junior’s body.

We then meet up with Sam (Sam Trammell), who is leading Kenya on a search of the storeroom, where he sniffs out the Obama masks like the ones that the men who shot him. She asks exactly how he did that, but he’s too busy rolling around on the ground like a puppy in a clover patch to give her much of an answer beyond “ADORABLE”.

Speaking of murderous redneck bigots, Hoyt (Jim Parrack) is cooling his blood-spattered heels with the likes of Joe Bob and his Obama-lovin’ pals. They convince Hoyt that their hate group is all about love, and he admits that he feels more love there than he ever felt “at church, or basketball, or whatever.” Bless. They get a call from The Dragon, who tips them off that Junior has been shot by a supe. I think we’re supposed to get at this point that The Dragon is Mike Spencer – maybe he’s all anti-supe because vampires killed his former assistant, Artie from Glee, back in Season 1? Anyway, Hoyt also opens up about Jess, and the guys tell him, “We’re here to hate her with ya.” Bros before hos, yo!

Back at The Authoritaay, Eric tells Bill (Stephen Moyer) that he thinks that Nora let Russell out, with an accomplice. They turn to Molly (Tina Majorino), accusing her of rigging Russell’s iStake to fail. Her reply: “You guys are wacked.” The Authoritaay collects them, and Bill and Eric are brought to Salami‘s chambers, where she (Valentina Cervi) and Nora (Lucy Griffiths) are waiting to re-introduce the boys to Russell. Ta-da! Yes, Salami is Sanguinista and it was she who unearthed Russell.

Now who saw that coming??

EVERYONE. Hell – I think Gran saw that coming, and she’s been dead for 4 seasons.

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