“True Blood” Season 5 Finale Recap: “It’s the F*cking Rapture”

Well … THAT happened.

For the capper to a wildly uneven season, True Blood decided to whack a major character, only to bring him back again seconds later as the Second Coming. That’s right, folks – Lilith has passed on her bloody merkin, and Bill Compton has strapped it on as the new cherry-coated vampire demigod du jour.

That sound you hear is millions of shrugs as the half of the audience who gave up on the show years ago but still tunes in every week in the hopes that it will at least get their spouse horny enough for a little Sunday night nookie cancels their HBO in a fuzzy post-coital haze and forgets that any of this ever happened.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

“Blast him!”

Sookie (Anna Paquin) rallies her magical, dance belted army against Russell Edgington (Denis O’Hare) – but it does little to dissuade him. Luckily, Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) shows up at the last minute to stake Russell – who glows momentarily in defiance before splatting all over Thibault’s field. Eric notes, “That felt even better than I thought it would.” I wish I could say the same. Steve Newlin (Michael McMillan) runs for the hills, predictably.

Sookie runs to check on Jason (Ryan Kwanten), and Nora (Lucy Griffiths) tries to eat her. Eric whacks her with a rolled-up newspaper. “What is she?” “She’s a waitress.” Jason wakes up and instead of Sookie he sees his dead mama squatting before him.

Sam (Sam Trammell), meanwhile, is brought to Bill (Stephen Moyer) for breakfast. Bill snorts, pointing out to the guards that Sam is a shifter and therefore not appropriate for breakfast. Move over, shifter – now there’s something meatier! When Bill makes it clear that he’ll now have to kill Sam, Sam turns into a fly and even Bill’s vampire-powered speed isn’t enough to catch him. Good thing Mr. Miagi isn’t around!

Over at Fangtasia, Tara (Rutina Wesley) tells Eric that the Authoritaay took Pam. He unearths hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash that will have nothing to do with anything, so ignore them.

Back at Sookie’s, Jason is still seeing visions of his parents while talking to Sookie. Eric, Nora and Tara show up, and Sookie and Tara spend about 0.3 seconds playing catch-up. Tara reminds Sookie, “You owe Pam.” Eric tells Sookie that Bill was the one who bombed the factories and only she can save him, and Tara again reminds her, “You owe Pam.” Okay, we get it. Jason wants to go along to save Jess, but Eric chides, “No, sweetie, don’t be a fool.”

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