“True Blood”: “Hold the F*ck Up, Am I in THERAPY?!”


Ohhhhhhh Mylanta. Seriously, WTF is going on in Bon Temps and Shreveport Heights? According to “F*ck the Pain Away,” far too little f*cking and too much f*ckery for their own good – this week’s True Blood had so many Land of the Lost flashbacks and therapy sessions that only the brain-scarring image of Ryan Kwanten‘s thrusting pelvic girdle could possibly save it. Let’s dig in.

Ben/Warlow (Rob Kazinsky) tells Sookie (Anna Paquin), “It’s our density to be together.” And also, he didn’t try to kill her on the bridge that night… but her parents did! Wah-waaaaaaah.

Jess (Deborah Ann Woll) apologizes to Beel (Stephen Moyer) for keeling Andy’s daughters… and then tries to bone him. Calm down, sweetie – a card would suffice. She’s seriously high on faerie blood: “I’m a f*cking monster!” Beel runs over to Sookie’s and summons Barlow, because Lilith was his maker and he can get away with that now. But not before Sookie gets her quarterly Sister Suffragette moment to whine about how nobody puts Sookie in the corner except everybody, all the time, harder and more often, especially vampires.

Andy (Chris Bauer) arrives at Beel’s – why didn’t Jess just lock the door when she saw him coming? Or at least close it? – and finds that one of his four-day-old daughters is alive. And also the other three are dead.

Tara (Rutina Wesley) tells Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) that gay stormtroopers got Pam. They instantly turn themselves in. Pam (Kristin Bauer van Straten), meanwhile, is marched through the facility, where they apparently can’t afford vertical blinds to conceal all the ridiculous stuff that they are doing to vampires behind closed doors: yanking out their fangs, forcing them to run on hamster wheels, and making them have sex really fast.

Hey – Tha Guvna (Arliss Howard) is fit! No wonder Sarah Not-So-Newlin (Anna Camp) wants to have a baby with him. She barks, “When a woman comes to you in black lingerie, you unwrap her!”

Billith forces Barlow to flash back to 3500 BC – wait, are they actually serious with this? – where Warlow’s tribe is one Chaka short of a Land of the Lost rerun.

This. Is. Recockulous.

So Chaka – sorry, Warlow – is accosted by Lilith by the drinking fountain, and she rips off his skirt (no complaints here) and mounts him before biting him and remarking, “God spoke of a creature like you.” You can drop the pillow talk, Lilith – pillows haven’t even been invented yet. So did Warlow just get Lilith pregnant? Anyway, Barlow and Lilith speak Dothraki and back in present day Barlow yells at Beel, “You made me into something I despise!” What, a plot device? Billith, meanwhile, has taken some of Barlow’s blood.

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